Total Devastation

Total devastation hit Askam and Ireleth on Bonfire Night, when by pure coincidence those who were partaking in the yearly festivities all sent up roman candles at the exact same time. The resulting cacophony created a sonic boom that ripped a hole in the space, time continuum and created a time gate.

Mrs Bolton, of Parklands, was sucked up into the gate and passed through to the prehistoric time of dinosaurs. Although she recognised the terrain as still being Askam it was actually attached to the Isle of Man and consequently Millom.

The most astonishing aspect of the time leap was that she landed directly in a nest of a T-Rex, who happened to be quite stunned and said so. Mrs Bolton claims that she had a long conversation about the changing climate and the worries the T-Rex, named Frank, had over the threat of climate change and the apparent coming of the Ice Age.

So worried about the death of their species, Frank had begun to prepare for the inevitability of the situation by stocking up on frozen pterodactyl steaks and bags of frozen peas.

Mrs Bolton told Frank, “not to worry” as everything will turn out for the best. She told the Askam Herald she felt sorry for Frank and couldn’t let him into the news that it would be a meteor that would eventually kill them all off, and not Climate change.

In an equally bizarre twist of fate, Mrs Bolton decided she would take a short walk to see the non populated village as it was, but tripped and fell down a hole in the ground, through the surface, past Satan and popped out back in her house and into her favourite chair just in time for Coronation Street.

Of course The Askam Herald believed every word of Mrs Bolton, but checked the story by asking a few probing questions. She replied with “Deirdre had another affair and Norris moaned about Rita”.

If anybody else out there suffered as a result of the time rip, please feel free to get in touch with the Editor and recount his or her story.