Barbara Boiler
Health Report

Sea-weed and eat it!
Trials have begun to prove claims that eating raw Askam seaweed improves the complexion and increases libido. Dr Leicester Bland was overwhelmed with the response to his advertisement asking for volunteers and he is now looking forward to reviewing the results. Local couple, Roger and Brenda Miller were among the first to discover the benefits. Brenda explains, 'It was our Jane's birthday so I was a bit short of cash that week. I was on the beach, wondering what to give our Roger for his tea when I got the idea. I thought, well, these Japanese do it, so why can't I? Anyway, he loved it. Ate it straight out of the bag.' Things have come a long way since then for this budding entrepreneur. Brenda has started selling her tasty seaweed recipes to neighbours and friends. 'My jars of pickled seaweed and seaweed in honey are proving particularly popular,' she tells me. In the near future she intends to open a stall on Barrow market, as well as launch her products online. 'I've asked our Roger if we can buy a computer this year, so who knows what'll happen.' But before we all go seaweed mad, man in the know Dr Bland has this advice. 'It seems that Askam seaweed could indeed contain unique, beneficial chemicals but until our tests are complete I would recommend people don't eat it as we don't yet know the long term effects. From an environmental point of view, it would be a shame to see the beach swamped with seaweed gatherers as this could cause a drastic seaweed shortage.' In the meantime, watch this space.

Lip chap to visit Askam.
Sore, chapped lips making your winter a misery? Well don't forget that Californian Cory Zeneman II has promised me he'll be stopping at Askam as part of his U.K. tour to promote Fishlip chapstick. (Trademark) Cory explains, 'The lips of fish produce up to one hundred times more oil than average human lips, which incidentally don't produce any moisture at all. 'I have spent years developing this formula from a blend of oils extracted from the lips of ten different fish. One coating of Fishlip (Trademark) will defend you from those Askam winds for approximately three whole days.' Asked about his long anticipated visit Cory says, 'I've never been to Askam but I've heard so much about it and it sounds awesome. I can't wait to come and meet you all.' Likewise Cory. Incidentally, as we go to press I can't confirm Cory's arrival date so please make a note in your diaries, keep every day free. Today's quick keep fit tip-Make hopping the order of the day, perhaps to work, school or while walking the dog. Why not encourage your dog to hop? He'll soon feel the benefits too! (Next time we bring naked yoga to Askam village hall and look at cheap, natural makeup alternatives that you can pick up (literally) from the streets of Askam.)