Potato People

It has been stated by a local DNA Historian that the original people of Askam were descended from a hybrid of sources. The home taught scientist has been collecting many examples of DNA from around the village, even holding one surgery in the Co-op. Over two hundred people agreed to have their cheeks swabbed in the pursuit of the answer. These were taken back to the laboratory and eighteen separate experiments were conducted on them.

The results have taken the Askam scientific community by surprise, as several questionable aspects have arisen. Most of the learned professors agreed with the main findings that true Askam People are descended from Norse Raiders and a little Cornish. However, there is major argument raging as to the fact that a small part of us all is… potato.

The results from the first round of tests indicated that we were 3.9% vegetable. These results were put to the test in the Government Labs based in Lindal (Although please keep quiet about this location). The Lab, this morning, held a press conference in the offices of the Askam Herald and stated, “It is true that the samples submitted to the GLL do contain a 3.9% potato content.” He also went on to say, “Does Mabels Bakery deliver?” The Askam Herald set one of it’s own reporters on the trail of the DNA results as we could not accept that we were descended from potatoes. He went straight to the source of the confusion, the DNA Historian. After a brief chat, his housekeeper let him through the door and into the parlour and invited him to partake in a cup of tea.

The Scientist joined our man and ran through the collection, testing and reporting process in great detail. First each cotton bud would be swabbed in the mouth of the subject, and then this would be placed in a surgical airtight bag. This changed only once when the protocol failed; they ran out of airtight bags and used a crisp packet. It was then taken into the Lab, put through the centrifugal separator, each drop of liquid was then pressurised and tested at the temperature of minus four hundred and twelve. Then the whole lot was tipped into the final container where it was treated to a night at the Royal Ballet in Covent Garden.

It was only after this full and frank explanation that our Man began to believe that the research must be true and that we should all be resigned to the fact that we are part potato. On returning to the offices our reporter took off his jacket and declared, “After all those Science Geeks, my head is mashed”. If more evidence on this subject comes to the fore, we at the Askam Herald will report on it for you.