Askams'Parlour of Dreams'
by Barbara Boiler

Ever wished you had the body of your favourite celebrity? You just adore their eyes, nose, mouth, fingers, hairstyle, mole or birthmark? Well the dream could be just millimetres away for Askam residents.
Thanks to his Barrow Council Business Enterprise grant, Vladimir Morris can finally unlock the doors of the shed that will now be home to his long awaited celebrity tattoo parlour in Askam. For those of you unfamiliar with his work, Vladimir uses acquired celebrity DNA, which is then tattooed onto his patient in order to help them achieve the look or body of their dreams.
Firstly it's a matter of selecting the star that you want to resemble from those that are on his books. If a celebrity is listed it means that Vladimir has their DNA sample in stock. Underneath each star's name is a list of their characteristics to help you make that all-important life changing decision.
The science bit. Vladimir explains the procedure. 'It's just a simple process of tattooing the famous person's name onto the patient's body. Then imagine your humble nicotine patch. Well, the tattoos work in a similar way in that the specially cultivated DNA of the chosen star is released slowly into the blood stream. It normally takes about six weeks to then see the results. You can choose from either a temporary tattoo, which is great for a fancy dress party, or a permanent tattoo if you're looking at a lifelong transformation.' To give a typical example, last week I had a gentleman who wanted a beauty spot on his face. I suggested he had an Enrique Iglesias tattoo. Fortunately I have both pre and post mole removal DNA for Enrique, so if you want to look like a hunky Spaniard without the mole then that's possible too.' At the moment his most popular choice for a man is Brad Pitt for the lads, while Jordan comes in top for the lasses, however he admits that he doesn't have either celeb's DNA in stock yet.
'The stars are reluctant to volunteer their DNA, so for me it's really a process of getting out to celebrity haunts, maybe grabbing a stray hair off their back, following them to the toilet or discreetly swabbing their coffee cup.'
The 'Parlour of Dreams' is set to open on March 22nd, with ex-cricketer and healthy heart campaigner Ian 'Beefy' Botham set to do the honours. 'Beefy's a great fan of Askam, he even has a holiday home here. He's going to cut the ribbon while I cut a few strands of his hair.' Vladimir tells me excitedly.

Fancy entering my competition to win the chance to be the first person to have an Ian 'Beefy' Botham tattoo? If so write and tell me in no more than 50 words, why you want to be like Beefy.