A Mars One Day

A shock discovery was made today when a shed, at the back of Steel Street, thought to be used as a tool store and general dumping ground for unwanted household items turned out to be the headquarters of the Mars Colonisation Programme. The truth revealed itself when the wooden shell of the complex was accidentally set alight by a stray spark from a chimney, or so the young male witness said. The gleaming metal structure underneath had been constructed to the highest specification with all welds undetectable and only a hint of where the door actually was.

Our reporter knocked on the door and was surprised that Mrs Cannock, from Sharp Street, soon answered it. She ushered in our man explaining that she was ‘told to expect a caller’. After being led down several flights of stairs, our man was then ushered into a lift, where he was taken down a further half a mile.

On entering the main control room, the reporter saw over thirty bodies of differing species, describing it as a scene out of Star Wars. Without wanting to cause offence he remained straight faced at some of the more outlandish creatures. Mrs Cannock introduced him to the ‘Director General’ of the whole operation, a slight half dog and part elbow being with his brains on the outside. Introducing himself as Norman, he instructed Mrs Cannock to return to her look out tower, before leading our man into the centre of the room.

In an extraordinary voice Norman explained that they were here to begin the colonisation of the Earth, as well as direct the human race as to where the best places are on Mars. Through lengthy explanations, he told the Askam Herald that an agreement had been made with all the major government of the world, that a planet swap would take in the near future. This was a response to global warming and the ever-expanding universe. As Mars moved away from the sun, the inhabitants had to live further and further underground to keep warm, but as the Earth was warming up due to a polluted atmosphere they felt a lot more comfortable in the environment. And they could stop wearing the holey jumpers made before the sheep died out on Mars.

The rocket was partially built, a craft so large it could take one million people at a time, but he would not show our reporter, as this would seriously breach confidentiality. He did however give him a pen with the slogan ‘A New Planet, A New Way’.

Being unable to take in all the information in one go and the fact that our reporter forgot to take a pencil, Norman promised he could visit the complex a second time in the near future. Also Norman was keen to show off the craft and proposed delivering a sketch to our offices, again, in the near future.
v On his way out the reporter asked Mrs Cannock how she had come to be involved with the program. She replied ‘I saw a notice in the Post Office and thought the pin money would come in handy to top up my pension.’ Keen as ever we will report back on this topic and let you all know when the flights will begin.