Lottery Win
by Catflea Massacre

An Askam man this week has celebrated a major win on the National Lottery after correctly predicting five balls and the bonus balls. Although he is refusing to disclose the amount of money won, he has confirmed that it is ‘significant’ and that he will never have to work again.
The Askam Herald were allowed into his humble terraced house for an interview after we signed legal papers promising not to reveal his identity. The Brown hair gent sat in his front room quietly drinking tea brewed with champagne. Our first question was of course, “How did you pick your numbers?”
The John Street resident gave a little smirk to himself before taking a deep breath and pushing back into his seat, he replied, “The only other person who I have told laughed at me and refused to believe me of the win. I picked the numbers using my third eye. I faced the pyramids, focused, and asked for the correct direction from the Sacred Cat. Which I have to say came up trumps.”
Without wanting to sound dubious, the Askam Herald pressed the reference to the pyramids in the hope that he would give further insight into the paranormal beliefs.

Mr X scoffed at our question and informed us that the Pyramids were not those built by the Ancient Egyptians, but those glass pyramids on top of the telly, bought by his Daughter in Law for his sixty second birthday, and the Sacred Cat was the porcelain one on the fireplace bought at a jumble sale for sixpence (two and a half pence in new money) that was now worth close to three thousand pounds after it was identified to be a rare piece of Millom pottery.
With all pretence of belief out of the window, the Askam Herald pressed the third eye issue, “And what piece of furniture do you call your third eye?”
With that our reporter was lifted three foot into the air and without his feet touching the floor, he was floated outside the house and dumped into the nearest large puddle. On returning home, the reporter found that his house was under a downpour of frogs, toads and other reptilian species.
The Editor of The Askam Herald would like to make it clear that we have no control over the questioning techniques of our reporters and we would like to distance ourselves from the interview and have only published under duress.