Ban Forces Hunt Group Underground
by Catflea Massacre

The Askam Herald this week was awoken by the horns of the Askam Hunt. The ratification of the Governments hunting bill brought out the hunt pack in their numbers demanding the Askam Herald take a stand against an 'unjust' law.
The crowd began to get agitated when the Askam Herald refused to climb off the fence, so we immediately retracted that and agreed to use our mighty voice in their support; then they went home.
We sent a reporter to the groups head quarters in Parklands Drive and spoke to the chairman of the hunting body. He informed the Askam Herald that the regular monthly foxhunt would now be halted, but at an emergency meeting they had decided to go through the legislation and try to find a loophole. After six days a solution was arrived at, albeit an unsatisfactory result for the group, and a name change had to be implemented. The group will be renamed The Askam and Ireleth Guild of Grasshopper Hunters and will ride out every fortnight as an abundance of grasshoppers means there is more to chase.

The Reporter asked with what and how grasshoppers will be chased. The Chairman explained that they have had to sell all the horses and give away the pack of hounds so as an alternative they will be riding specially trained snails and the pack will consist of soldier ants. The silver lining to their black cloud is that the saddles for the snails come I at a reasonable £1.99 from the pound shop. The soldier ants had been stolen from the back garden of number 46 Caspian Way, trained to sniff out grasshoppers at the world renowned Millom Institute for Advanced Pupils.
The group will still be challenging the hunting law by staging several high profile events around the villages. The first will be to dress up as jam sandwiches and to take over the local CO-OP convenience store for a whole day; the date will not be announced for maximum impact. The second is the storming of the Parish Council Meeting and the taking hostage of the Parish Council Dictator, Peter Randall. this will however be kept within the law as they are planning to keep him in a local pub for a term of 'a couple of pints'. The third known event is the sponsoring of the Duddon Guild Of Drama Teachers production of 'Not On Your Nelly, Mr Randall'. Other events will be organised and staged throughout the next six months.
The Askam Herald suggested a 'Clean The Editors House' protest day, but this was turned down as it could involve too much hard work.