The Askam Herald Beats The Big Boys
As we reported in the last issue of The Askam Herald there has been talks with the Council and a number of interested parties about the positioning of a new large-scale hotel near to the Village. The Askam Herald reported it after a tip off by an insider from within the County Council Chambers.
Although we cannot give you a completed plan, we have had word about the size of the construction to be done. The complex will be spread over a three mile radius and feature a private helicopter landing pad, an Olympic sized swimming pool, with high level diving board and a show jumping arena where each horse has it's own built in DVD player for the enjoyment of the rider.
The road to the resort will be constructed of the bones from all the village children’s hamsters. These will be crushed into fine particles, mixed into a thick paste with the tears of the children and then set into matchbox sized moulds and left to set under the heat of the Millom sun. Tests on this surface show that it cuts road noise down by 0.01%, helping guests spend quality time asleep.

Inside the complex there will be seventeen dining rooms each serving a separately themed menu ranging from kangaroo marinated in light basil oil to hamster breast and a scoop of wallpaper paste. Waiters dressed in traditional Askam dress, shoe with a nail inside, will hobble on you hand and foot and deliver food off the backs of lowly surfs drafted in from the Dreamscheme Youth Group.
The one bedroom will have the advantage of eight on suite bathrooms, each equipped with identical soaps and hand towels. A bed created with the tusks of the Indian elephant will be themed with elephant skin wallpaper. As well as the three hundred and sixty degree Imax cinema incorporated into the ceiling showing your favorite films found by scanning your brainwaves. On the balcony the world’s tallest big wheel will give outstanding views of the bay and the hills beyond, and at the same time allow the guests to travel around in a Jacuzzi.
The one real surprise to the build is the teleportation booth that will enable guests to experience weightlessness on the surface of the moon. Although not available on opening, the ‘ride of your lifetime’ will be finished soon after 2008, when the Japanese will land the first manned mission to the moon since the American (if you really believed that). After a considerable amount of legal wrangling, they have agreed to build the receiving pod.
The Askam Herald has not seen these plans but we will be using our moles as much as we can and reporting back. We are concerned about the environmental side to this development and will be contacting Alan Titchmarsh on your behalf. We will let you have his reaction in the next edition of The Askam Herald.