Health Check Report
It has been found that the inhabitants of Askam and Ireleth have averagely larger ears than those living in the rest of the Furness Peninsula.
The shock news came when a team of researchers were given the task of completing a feasibility study into the health of the population in relation to the Sheltered Housing stock for the elderly. The survey has been taking place in the main streets of all Furness Towns and Villages through out the festive period. Questions ranging from age, gender and shoe size through to ear size and the amount of time between nose-hair trims have helped create a database of possible economic implications for the coming thirty years.
The highest priority on the results comes under the heading of flat feet and running noses.
Flat feet have been highlighted because it showed that 4 out of 10 residents suffered from the non-crippling syndrome. The implications are that within eight years, Furness General Hospital will need to employ up to five new chiropodists, costing over £105, 000 a year. Additional cost will be the fulfilment of prescriptions for sufferers; this has been estimated to cost £300,000 a year. Other costs are also associated with the project, but the result is that Council Tax will rise by a two-digit percentage.
Running noses will also cost the taxpayer, as allergies are responsible for the upsurge in the area. As a coastal area the residents have been inhaling pollutants that have been dumped legally and illegally into the sea. It had been noted that the smell of ozone, after a good downpour, had a sour tang and could be a lot stronger in the nasal tract. There have been rumours that the Parish Council precept may be spent in one chunk to clean all the oceans of the world. The financial implications to residents are catastrophic, with a total rise of contribution per household that could rocket to over £19,000,000.

These two issues alone will make a huge impact on all our lives, here at The Askam Herald we can only offer one piece of futile advice: save all the loan applications that drop through the door.
As with every story there is a silver lining. The texture of knees has slowly changed, effectively evolving, into a rubbery form rather than the standard solid type. The reality of this situation is that residents will be able to bounce in huge strides, somewhat akin to Tigger, the AA Milne character. Pensioners will no longer need buss passes as 'bounce ways' are to be installed 'as the crow flies' from Askam to Barrow and then beyond.
The Askam Herald will check the validity of this research and report back in a later edition.