ASKAM IN DOUBLE GLAZER BID
by Marvin Kestral

Askam residents were last night staging angry demonstrations against American tycoon Malcolm Glazer's attempts to buy the village, along with his controversial attempts to gain control of Askam K-Shoes Football Club.
Glazer has twice been denied the right to buy shares in the club from the small shareholding syndicate led by local violin pin-up Pippa DuFreyer, which would give him the majority share and the control of the club. Fans fear that should Glazer gain control he would press ahead with merging K-Shoes FC with Manchester United to form a "Super Club" to rival the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal and the recently-merged Real Kirkby.
Glazer's latest plan to buy the whole of Askam would by-pass any legal wrangles involving ownership of the club, as in effect he would own everything in the village, including houses, post boxes, cutlery and people.
"It's a disaster waiting to happen", said Askam resident Bryn Peroxide, "I'm a Man Utd fan, and if Glazier bought Askam he'd own my whole life, not just the 90% he does at present". Local firms were bracing themselves for the change that being owned by an international conglomerate would bring, including Ireleth Pottery being known as Ceramic Ferguson, whilst a small minority of locals supported the proposals: " We're all just His disciples and whatever he bringeth to Askam may we all be truly grateful," said the not-very Reverend Matt Messias of St. Wayne's, before adding an incredibly loud, "Aaaaaaayyyy-men!"