by Catflea Massacre
A brand new commercial venture is to be launched if outlying planning permission is refused for a housing complex on the land adjacent to the Public Toilets on Duke Street.
The venture, backed by a consortium of local business people, has been placed on the agenda for the next meeting of the Askam and Ireleth Parish Council, is looking for local support.
The Askam Herald has received a five-year business plan produced by the consortium, and we can today reveal its contents. The consortium will build a purpose built incubation centre to allow genetically engineered elephants to be hand reared. The elephants will then be trained to do domestic household chores and sold on the open market as ‘Domestic Goddesses’.
They will begin at the age of four weeks with simple tasks like hoovering. The document states that by teaching the baby elephants to breath through their mouths, a Hoover could be slotted up the trunk and pushed around with the minimum of fuss. At the age of eight weeks the elephant will have drawing pins inserted into it’s front feet, forcing it to walk upright. Only when it is ready will they be given a duster and can of polish.
It is claimed that they have pre-orders of nearly 200 units for use in Barrow and Ulverston Town Halls. Indeed the Askam Herald has ordered one to clean the offices of the prestigious newspaper, since this hasn’t been done yet since opening.
The RSPCA has condemned the whole proposal as ludicrous and cruel. However the consortium has counter claimed that if it wasn’t for their proposal, these endangered species would be next in line for extinction. The example they quote is of the common cow, stating that ‘if it wasn’t for the milk and meat we use from the bovines, they would have been destroyed due to the fact that they are virtually useless.
We at the Askam Herald will wait for the outcome of the planning permission decision and hope we can get delivery of our elephant. We will keep you informed as the progress of the proposed development.
