Farmer In Incomprehensible Conversation Stunner
by Marvin Kestral

A local farmer has shattered all known records by engaging in a conversation with a Barrovian in which the city-dweller recognised no words spoken by the farmer whatsoever.
The Farmer, 67, has lived on the farm next to the proposed Askam Centerparcs Development for three generations, and was thankfully unavailable for comment.
Holidaymaker Dave Trantor, 36, of Barrow, stumbled onto the farmland whilst looking for the controversial site's proposed "attractions". "I was so bored I thought I'd go for a walk, and when I met this ranting fella I thought I'd walked too far and ended up in Norway!" joked Dave, a town planner with a geography degree who should know that that was impossible, "but, as that's not geographically possible (sorry - Ed.), I tried to make out his accent, but not one thing he said made any sense to me."
Professor Randy Rhodes, Head of Linguistics at the University of Askam (formerly Askam Polytechnic, formerly Askam Village School) said, "He's probably speaking in an old Cumberland dialect passed down through family. Or maybe he was drunk. Or maybe he just hates outsiders, like the Welsh do."
The Herald tried to contact Norris McWhirter to claim an entry in the Guinness Book Of Records, but he was unavailable due to his death last year. Some people, eh?

Targets Hit For Pavement Walkers
By Catflea Massacre

Figures have been released by Barrow Borough Council that justify spending on the pavements in Askam. An electronic counter installed in the centre of Duke Street, counted an average of 16,000 people per day walking the length of the road. This is in stark contrast to previous claims that only eight people and a dog used the pavements on a regular basis. The council now is set to plunge £450 into fixing the cracks, the work being completed by the summer of 2097.