Bracken Bliss
by Catflea Massacre

A major Homeopathy company is coming to Askam and Ireleth to undertake testing on the rich source of bracken that we have surrounding the two villages. The experiments will define the DNA makeup of the plant and if proved to be of the right properties will feature heavily in the treatment of haemorrhoids.
The chemists are descending on us after one of them read with interest the story of a local who was so enraged by the pain caused through his piles that he tried rubbing them away by sliding down the bracken fields by the top reservoir. Initially the man in question, who would rather remain nameless, screamed so loud that the RNLI launched the lifeboat thinking it was someone stranded on the sand bank. However after several days he noticed that not only could he open his eyes without crying, but could also sit comfortably without the need of a rubber ring.
His wife, now renamed the unlucky Mrs Thomas, took a look into the previously offending area of her husband and declared that all was well and that everything had disappeared.

The chemists will take samples of the leaves back to their lab for strict testing in a completely germ free environment. Their representative said, “This area of medical study is never looked into too far and indeed is a bit of a black hole. So we would like to highlight the plight and bring some real solutions onto the table.” He added, “And it was a bit of an excuse to stock up on Mabels Pies.”
The Chemists will be in the villages within the next two weeks and with a gesture of openness and friendship they will be handing out free bunches of grapes for all who ask.
We at the Askam Herald would like to thank the Boffins for their tremendous hard work and intellect, and we pass our hopes on for their hunt for the cure, but please make it quick.