Ballooning Bodies
by Catflea Massacre

Police in Askam have been rocked by the increase of a new craze. They state that people are putting themselves at risk by participating in dangerous practices that should really not be done in this day and age.
The new craze is called ‘ballooning’, and it consists of using a Black and Decker multi directional handheld hole creator and drilling into the end of the index finger then blowing the subject up through pneumatic air hoses.
The Askam Herald caught up with the ringleader of the craze as he floated by on a slight wind. He stated that the feeling achieved was akin to lilo floating, but without the fear of drifting off on the tide. “It gives you a sense of complete freedom. You become a slave to the wind and the direction it blows. People are so ready to condemn the practice that it makes me mad. They should try it before they say a word.”
The most complaints have arrived on the Askam Heralds doormat by the residents of Saves Lane. It seems that the best place to ‘balloon’ is in the natural breeze created by the high hedges and close housing stock. Although a couple of the complaints state they were knocked on the head by floating teenagers, the vast majority of writers were worried by the only means of directional control that the ‘ballooners’ have, namely pumping.
One resident said, “The smell is atrocious, they are cramming themselves full of beans and custard to get the right consistency of pump. Some of the older folk are being frightened by the sudden loud noises followed quickly by a shadow cast from a body floating by.” He added, “They seem to think it’s the Grim Reaper appearing to take them away.”

We chased the local Saves Lane Policeman for his thoughts on the craze. “We have a very good clean up rate for these offences. As you can appreciate, the Government have not had time to react to this craze, so we are using the public nuisance laws to gain control. The suspects are easy to chase, we just tend to follow our noses.”
The Askam Herald sent a researcher to discover the fun involved with ‘ballooning’, but as of yet they has not managed to land due to being caught in a localised whirlwind. The ringleader of the craze has blasted the Askam Herald for sending ‘an idiot’ to test his sport and said they deserved everything they got.

In a related story, a husband has been taken into hospital with serious malnutrition, due to his wife being somewhere over Millom.

The Askam Herald will return to both these stories very shortly and will report back when the reporter returns.