Sunday Mornings
by Catflea Massacre

Some of you may have noticed a Sunday Morning visitor to our fine village in the past couple of weeks. The Woman is a Representative of ‘Get On Your Knees And Pray For Good’, a small yet large group of like-minded persons who wish us all to get on our knees and pray for Good. Although she has not yet knocked on any doors or rang any bells, she has managed to irritate the Church Going community as they make their way to morning service.
The Lady, (we asked her name but she declined to answer – claiming Satan will use it against her) has taken to throwing dried hedgehogs at the walkers and shouting slogans containing a particular offensive word, which has offended many.
The Askam Herald went in search of one of the discarded Hedgehogs to find any relevance to the group she represents. With a quick scout in the hedge, a single Hog was found. Pinned to the underside of the animal was a note that stated the date for the end of the world, or it might have been the sell by date, we were not that sure, and a telephone number to call if a Hedgehog had been found.

On returning to the office we rang the number and got to speak to the founder of the group, Mr Good. He informed us that the group believes in the word of the bible and that their plight is to rid the earth of any undergrowth dwelling creatures, as stated in the book of James.
When the Askam Herald pointed out that the book of James contained no reference to Hedgehogs or animals of it’s ilk, Mr Good flew into a fit of rage and accused us of ignorance and believing the 6th century translations of the bible and not viewing the original documents that had actually had the page removed by the Heretics and Fools. He also asked us to buy a copy of his book.
Once again in Herald style we got up again the following Sunday and went to speak to the Woman. She told us our persistence was admirable and that she would join us for a cup of tea in the office, once the local congregation had passed by.
Once in the Office she informed us that the date on the bottom of the Hedgehog did in fact relate to the end of the earth and that to survive it we should purchase a small piece of Afghan Bread and some Toilet Roll from Sainsburys.
The Askam Herald will continue to research the claim that a page was missing out of the original copies of the bible and that it did refer to Hedgehogs. We will also try our best to purchase the said items (just in case).
Keep checking back and we will be running a competition soon on ‘Guess The Date To The End Of The World’ in which one lucky reader will be informed of the date for their impending death.